Forever is an assumption, a way of telling the heart that things will remain forever and the brain a message that something is going to end. The heart and the brain walk on opposite tracks, one leading to madness and the other on a track towards the rational. However, they work together, when one falls the other stands up to take its place. Despite the fact that they travel on opposite tracks, they walk together as if tied up together with an invisible rope. I call this relationship divine, when the heart aches, the brain consoles. God has been Merciful on us by creating a being within a being, a soul within a soul and a sensation and a movement in our souls. Do you consider yourself as alone? No, that’s just an assumption.  

 Set her free for she is bound to fall in love. Hear her heart not her voice, because it’s loud, clear, wild and free. See her fly like a bird and don’t hold her tight. Let her twist like a snake and fall in love all over again. Hear her sentiments and make love to them. Fill every movement with joy and laughter and let her pour like the rain on your tips. Memorize it, drink it and flow with it, because she’s wild and free. Bow down and ask for her to let your love dominate her movements; then hold her tight for she won’t go now. Let her fall from your hands as if she was sand and make patterns in the air as she settles on the ground. 

From where I can see things today, things and people are not what they seem like. Every action has a reason, a story and a grudge behind it. Life would have been easy if things were painted in black and white, sadly it’s covered in grey. A complete mixture of two opposite colors; thus this leaves us to the conclusion that nothing can be labelled. If nothing is as dominating as black or white then how can we be sure about love or hatred? Who labelled people as ‘good’ or ‘bad’? Who invented the word ‘perfect’, when nothing is as clear as black or white? Nothing is complete then I guess; nothing can be as strong as black or white. Then why cry or bleed? Why expect complete answers when you know nothing is as clear as black or white? I term them as illusion/imaginary colors. The day we all realize that these colors don’t exist; life would probably be less complicated. I've started seeing the color ‘grey’ as the only happy resort.  

trust but verify

‘’Yet each man kills the thing he loves

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword! ‘’– From the Ballad of Reading Goal, Oscar Wilde

‘’Trust but verify’’

The soft sighs and movements are still in my memory fresh. You took me in completely. I breathed in you and found myself. I stopped, and looked at you then went for it again. You could feel the rush and I could feel the thrill in my veins. I shivered and froze and you caught me again. I felt safe and complete; yet knew it was about to end. I had that fear and you on the other hand, were absorbed in the moment. Hence, the romance started with ‘uncertainty’.

She found a completely new person under her skin. All these years she was uncertain of the dove she was holding within herself. A beautiful person blossomed out and that’s when she found herself. She saw the beauty of the sun rays for the first time and breathed in the morning breeze. Defined the beauty of the wind and set her free and sang a beautiful unknown melody. That’s when she discovered ‘love’.

All these years she was looking for the right emotions to fill that empty space in her. All her friends loved her and she was the ‘shining star’ among-st them. She filled their every moment with crazy laughs and gave everyone the perception that she led a ‘perfect little life’; which she did. In that colorful life only she could see the ‘white’ spaces around her and was looking for the right colors to fill that space in. She was familiar with all shades of life, but knew all along that something was missing. She was ‘life’ yet couldn't feel her heartbeat. The only sensation she ran away from was ‘love’ because she was aware that it doesn't exist. It’s not as colorful as her. It had just one color; red, hence the only obvious color. All these years she built a huge protective wall around herself against ‘love’. She stood among her friends like a stone, unaffected by all emotions of life and lived in her own world of laughter  joy and freedom. When other girls were crying because of the ‘red’ color, she was there mixing that color with her own to make them laugh. And that’s when they said ‘‘don’t change, stay brave.’’ On that day she vowed to herself and said ‘’I will be brave.’’

I know her as a fighter, someone who looks for trouble because it always feels wonderful when you discover that every hurdle makes you fall and not break. And that’s when she discovered her strength. When others had to wear pretty colors and follow ‘fashion’, she was the only one who wore ‘herself’ and created her own fashion. You might think of her as selfish but the truth is she was just protecting herself. She could see that even the world’s ugliest things had some beauty to it. Everyone has a back story; even the world’s greatest criminals have a sad story, which needs to be heard. She was and is, without any doubt pure, innocent and kind, hence she did breed an immoral desire of which she was ashamed of and wanted to break through it.

Years passed and I saw her turn into a complete lady. Her greatest beauty was her inner self; strong, kind, innocent, joyous and empathetic. She was all those things that girls of her time weren't  I saw her step into the real world. I was scared for her because I knew the world is nothing but an ugly pesticide and would infect her beauty. She too was scared but didn't pull that emotion for long and went on with those deep eyes, commanding voice and dominating shoulders. She was clever in choosing her weapons, I must say, never puts the trigger down. But still I whispered in her ears ‘’Oh darling be brave and stay safe,’’ and she replied with the same crazy laugh through her eyes, lips and voice.

And so I watched her go through those gates and could hear them roar like an angry tiger being satisfied after getting its meal. And that’s when my girl turned around and waved at me with my favorite strong determined smile, but the terror hit me when I saw a tinge of nervous in those eyes.

She had all her weapons ready and was on her guard. I saw her make new friends who instantly fell in love with her, yet she couldn't  She hated the world and was circled in nostalgia. She could sense the negative vibes around her and stood there with a gun in hand, ready to shoot. That’s when my darling became an inspiration for all those around her. She was turning into a fighter yet was confused about her enemy. She knew that she wasn't supposed to ‘trust’ anyone in this unknown place, but could feel being attracted to someone. There was nothing very charming about him, at least not as much she herself was, but still was aware of the ambiguous connection with him.

She twisted and turned in her dreams and was surrounded with warning signs all around her. She saw him in her dream and it was nothing less than a cruel nightmare. Every morning she woke up with this terror of being attacked by this unseen beast, waiting for her outside the house. She knelt and prayed for strength and determination. Frustration was building up inside her and was tired of holding those heavy weapons in her hands. She was afraid to sleep because of the nightmares and stayed awake to attack the beast. For her the world had become atrocious; a battle field and she stood there like a beautiful soldier and that’s when everyone had their eyes on her; and even him.

He smiled at her and she felt different. She could feel an uncertain blush inside her and couldn't put the feeling into words. He exchanged those weapons with a red rose and whispered in her ears ‘Trust but verify.’ She quickly dropped the flower and stood in front of him with loaded gun. But knew it’s of no use because she had touched the red rose. She tried to use all her weapons on him, yet he stood there with the same smile and used ‘words’ as his weapon. She could feel her weapons falling and his words grabbing her, but still held one gun in her hand. ‘Don’t trust him darling,’ I whispered and so did her friends. With every step she took back, he took magnificent steps towards her and shut the world with his words and made her fall for him. He destroyed one part of the wall that she had built around her and thought that he’s the one. He filled her with words of affection and that’s when her heart started responding but still not beating. He made her feel that she’s beautiful and taught her how to love, how to set oneself free and breathe into each other. The same battlefield turned into a peaceful meadow but still she didn't drop the gun until one day. He held her hand, moved closer and without even realizing the gun fell from her hands. Now it was him that she caught hold of and completely gave into him. She breathed a laugh and he saw her emotions change from being hard to soft. The moments were brief and deep inside she knew that they were about to end. She tried to grope for her weapons but found nothing but him. She could herself grow helpless and quickly grabbed him as her only resort and the only words that came out were, ‘’Stay…don’t go’’ and he wrapped his strong arms around her and said, ‘’I will. I promise.’’ And that’s when she could feel the promise fading away.

Words. Words. Words. Oh that poor little girl believed them to be true. She was trapped. Locked up in confusion; trying to breathe and searching for light I saw her put her feet in front of the other and pass through her day.

I saw her stare at the moon one night and asked, ‘’ how do you feel now love?’’ and she replied with such sadness in her eyes that I had to look away, ‘’ It’s one of those feelings when you are afraid of heights and someone holds your hand and makes you stand on the edge of the cliff, shows you the beautiful view and then suddenly pushes you with a sweet kiss. And it’s the not the fall that breaks you but that sweet soft touch that you were so absorbed in, makes you break into pieces. And sometimes it’s like one of those moments when a wave hits you and you struggle to keep your head out of the water so that you don’t drown. And with every struggle you breathe their name, as if it’s oxygen. You swim hard and try to make it to the safe spot…you reach your destination and see their face, and then you are drowning again...’’

And that’s when I saw her turn into someone new. I saw her grope for her weapons again and saw her stand like strong beautiful soldier again. She was beaten and injured, yet she managed to stand in front of him with the same strong smile. He was sorry and walked passed her quietly. ‘’We belong to each other but can’t be together,’ he said and left scars to heal on her heart.

These brief moments of affection and heart break did wonderful things to her. Consumed in ambivalence of love and hate she discovered that every fall makes her stand again. And that’s when she found beauty in sadness. When she saw others weep for their heartbreak, she stood laughing with a wounded soul inside her. She found beauty around her; she found beauty inside her and could see a completely different person every morning. I can see her grow stronger everyday but the worst part is that this time she has built a huger wall around her. She has turned into a dove and to get close to her now one has to match their heartbeat with hers. The poor girl doesn't believe in love anymore or maybe she is now ready to fall in love with someone now and the new wall that she has built is just an illusion.

For me you have become an amour with a heart, and a forgiving heart.   

‘’- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like a disaster.’’ One Art, Elizabeth Bishop